CRONYISM

PAGE ONE

The front cover of a pack of fictional trading cards.  At the top is a parody of the TOPPS logo that reads “Trump’s.”  To the right, where a price would be, is a Bitcoin symbol hovering over the word “Crypto!” Below this is a parody of the Garbage Pail Kids logo, with dripping red letters that read “My Little Cronies.” 

In the center of the card is an image of Donald Trump sitting on the ground, small hands thrust forward, with green snakes coiled around him. His long red tie gradually morphs into another snake at his feet. 

Below Trump, in red, is the text “The Faces of 2025,” followed by “7 Cronies – 0 Oversight – 1 Chance to stop them!”

PAGE TWO

This is a plain brown card with text that reads:

Great news! With the dawning of a new MAGA regime will come sweeping changes to your rotten, deep-state-infested, totally corrupt government. We’ll purge more than 50,000 useless Federal Employees and replace them with a smaller, more efficient government who are high-status Males, high-value females, and 1000% MAGA, as outlined in astonishing detail in PROJECT 2025.

We’ve prepared this easy guide to help you learn the new names, faces, and responsibilities of these Alphas of the Executive Branch, all of them ready for deployment on Day One! These are… MY LITTLE CRONIES!

PAGE THREE

The front of a trading card labeled “Anti-Vax Max.” A caricature of RFK Jr. grimaces at the reader, flexing his oversized muscles.  From his head bursts a green worm wearing a red MAGA hat, and stuck into his right bicep is a syringe labeled “TRT.” He is wearing nothing but a cloth diaper, which is yellow with urine that is dripping out onto the dead bear carcass he’s sitting on.

CAPTION:

Doctor-Supremus, Department of Life

Formerly known as Secretary, Dept. of Health and Human Services

PAGE FOUR

The plain brown back of the Anti-Vax Max trading card. This is the text:

Name: ANTI-VAX MAX

Qualifications: High T, Low IQ, doesn’t even wear a mask on Halloween.

Responsibilities: Revoke HHS regulations, manage Public Health Emergencies by timelines set by Congress; punish Big Tech for “censorship” of COVID truth-patriots; punish LGBT advocates and abortion providers; implement all public health polices according to the Family Agenda^,; install Special Representative for Domestic Women’s Health to best serve our nation’s most precious resource and biggest biological mystery: the American “Wo-man.”

Small Government in Action: the Secretary of the Department of Life alone shall set policy, free from so-called “experts” beneath him in their specialized operational divisions. Who needs 10 experts about 10 things when you can have 1 SUPER-expert about ALL things? YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Fun Facts:

Receives important medical news updates entirely via podcast.

Has own line of mail-order supplements to boost your daily Ivermectin smoothie.

Not a doctor, definitely knows a donor [not of organs; to Trump]

Favorite Thing About President Trump: “The healthy, year-round glow of his taut, flawless skin.”

PAGE FIVE

The front of a trading card labeled “Censor Chip.” A goggle-wearing man wields a knife in one hand, and his other hand has been transformed into a blowtorch, which is connected by a tube to a backpack presumably full of lighter fluid. He is wearing a t-shirt with “NPR” written inside a gun sight, and he has one foot propped up on the bleeding corpse of Sesame Street’s Big Bird.  In front of him is a pile of burning books labeled “Black History,” LGBTQ+ Rights,” “D.E.I.,” “Woke,” and “Civil Rights.” Behind him, in a garbage can, are signs labeled “Black Lives Matter” and “Sesame St.”

CAPTION:

Chief Disinformation Officer

Maybe Office of the Director of National Intelligence

Maybe Your Local School Board

PAGE SIX

The plain brown back of the Censor Chip trading card. This is the text:

Name: Censor Chip

Qualifications: Knows “Fake News” when he sees it and knows who deserves to have it; appreciates the fair-and-balanced reporting of Szabad Európa in Hungary, Really, really, into whatever it is your kids want to read… and why.

Responsibilities: Chip will influence multiple organizations from the United States Agency for Global Media, the FCC, the Internet, unions, and even your public library. Chip will abolish “woke” fake news that suggests President Trump has ever done ANYTHING wrong, bad, or illegal, even if it’s been legally adjudicated in a “court” of “law.” HE NEVER MET THIS WOMAN!!!

Small Government in Action: Will kill off NPR and PBS, restrict the FBI and CISA from pursuing their overzealous and ideological war on freedom of speech; will bring multiple independent  media outlets under Federal Control.

Fun Facts:

Favorite book? THE BIBLE [aka TRUMP: THE ART OF THE DEAL]

Second favorite book? THE BIBLE [aka The Bible]

Afraid of Muppets, Peter Sagal

Favorite Thing About President Trump: Since he’s incapable of lying, he’s the easiest subject in the world to fact-check! Everything he says is TRUE TRUE TRUE!

PAGE SEVEN

The front of a trading card labeled “Trans-Exclusion Susan.” A white, blonde, hyper-feminine woman stands in front of a pair of bathrooms with traditional “male” and “female” images labeling them. She is wearing a blue warm-up jacket and pants like a soccer coach and holds a soccer ball with Trump’s face on it in her manicured left hand. (Trump’s hair looks like the Nike swoosh.)  She has a Jesus fish on the front of her jacket, cross earrings hanging from her ears, and high heels, and her face is heavily made up. She is blowing a metal whistle and holding up her right hand like a warning. In front of the “female” bathroom are three identical blonde girls in blue school uniforms emblazoned with Jesus fish; in fron the the “male” bathroom are three identical blond boys in male versions of the same uniform.

CAPTION:

Genital Inspector General

Bathroom Stalls, Locker Rooms, and the Department of Justice

PAGE EIGHT

The plain brown back of the Trans-Exclusion Susan trading card. This is the text:

Name: Trans-Exclusion Susan

Qualifications: An unending devotion to preserving the purity of women’s sports just like President Trump by policing gender anywhere the Trans Agenda may threaten it, including American workplaces, hospitals, courts, and most especially schools.

Responsibilities: Banning anything that educates readers about gender identity; removing Trans soldiers from the military; banning health coverage and medical treatment for Trans people entirely; punishing officials for defending Trans cases in court; deciding just who exactly is a boy and who exactly is a girl once and for all, eliminating LGBTQ parents from adoption, removing Pride flags (and BLM flags) from Embassies and stopping trans surgeries performed by public schools on children without parental knowledge or consent, which is totally a real thing that happens all the time.

Small Government in Action: Remove Trans workplace protections from Title VII and Title IX; unwind Trans policies at OSTP, USAID, the teachers’ union, the DEI office at NIH and more; stop any federal grants that advance DEI/CRT/Gender Identity ideologies.

Fun Facts: The only thing Susan loves more than policing middle and high school girls’ sports are her seven children: Braydynn, Jaydynn, Kaydynn, Flaydynn, Sanguisugabogg, Cialia, and Narthex.

Favorite Thing About President Trump: The close loving relationship he shares with his own children.

PAGE NINE

The front of a trading card labeled “Handmaid’s Taylor.” A white woman wearing the red robes and white bonnet of a Handmaid from The Handmaid’s Tale grins menacingly as she turns the crank of a machine labeled “‘Health’ Clinic.” Pregnant women of various races march toward the machine and come out the other side in the same Handmaid costume, holding swaddled babies in their arms.

Around Handmaid Taylor are three red circles with lines through them, indicating a prohibition. They contain a prescription bottle labeled “Plan B,” the word “IVF,” and a circular case of birth control pills. A fourth red circle is crossed with prison bars, behind which stands a despairing doctor. 

Beneath the whole scene, sperm swim past, labeled with the phrase “Every sperm is sacred.”

CAPTION:

Special Representative for Women’s Health

Department of Life

PAGE TEN

The plain brown back of the Handmaid’s Taylor trading card. This is the text:

Name: Handmaid’s Taylor

Qualifications: Hero of Motherhood, is to Holistic Women’s Health Care what a naturopath is to Holistic Medicine, believes the survival of American life is at stake if the family is not restored as its centerpiece (and as long as “family” means “children raised by biological dads and the mothers who conceived them”).

Responsibilities: Ending reproductive health care from all national and international programs; deployment of federal powers to “protect innocent life”; revoking access to reproductive health care in the military; collecting and publicizing pregnancy data from private citizens and minors; defunding reproductive health providers and travel programs, penalizing divorce at HHS and HUD by restricting aid to single-mother families; incentivize nuclear families of birth; destroying reproductive health care information; investigating/penalizing women’s health care providers, advocates, or defenders.

Small Government in Action: delete terms like “abortion, reproductive health, reproductive life” from all federal programs; elimination of Department of Education, Gender Policy Council and HHS Reproductive Healthcare Access Taskforce; supersede the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists; eliminate reproductive health access and distribution programs, end FACE prosecutions.

Fun Facts: Literally none

Favorite Thing About President Trump: His fastidious devotion to the sanctity of marriage as exemplified by his own lived example.

PAGE ELEVEN

The front of a trading card labeled “Concentration Cam.” A caricature of a balding white man with an enormous, sweating head—implicitly Stephen Miller—grins and presses the tips of his fingers together with fiendish glee. He is standing in front of the barbed wire front gates of a concentration camp—the gates say “Arbeit MAGA Frei.” Dozens of crying children in rags are crowded into the camp, staring at the reader; behind them, armed guards are perched on watchtowers.  Directly behind Concentration Cam, outside the gates but directly in front of the crying kids who are clinging to them, is an overflowing bathtub labeled “Children’s Tears.”

CAPTION:

Border Czar

Department of Homeland Defense and Resettlement

PAGE TWELVE

The plain brown back of the Concentration Cam trading card. This is the text:

Name: Concentration Cam

Qualifications: White; born without a soul; immune to the widescale suffering of tired poor huddled masses yearning to be free. Believes Mexico no longer qualifies as a first-world nation.

Responsibilities: Ending all immigration, installing political allies in office, evaluating visa applications for high value immigrants; eliminate visas for trafficking and crime victims after they get here, use Blackie’s Warrants to lock exit doors and question every employee at a given bonus that has that ‘foreigner vibe’; reimplement USCIS denaturalization unit; Building! That! Wall!; mandatory detention for all aliens; wholesale border closing powers and expulsion of immigrants and aliens based on country of origin, raise FEMA threshold for disaster assistance.

Small Government in Action: will dismantle the DHS, move CISA and FEMA to the DoT, the Coast Guard to the DOJ, and privatize the TSA; undo CISA’s ability to fight disinformation; eliminate Office of Intelligence and Analysis; move Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties and Privacy Office to Office of General Council so President Trump can keep a closer eye on ‘em… don’t trust ‘em!

Fun Facts:

Loves horses and tents so much he must be an avid outdoorsman.

Least favorite poet? Emma Lazarus.

Believes Taco Tuesdays should be repealed nationwide.

Favorite Thing About President Trump: his inspiring lifelong commitment to kicking people of color out of their homes.

PAGE THIRTEEN

The front of a trading card labeled “Jill Baby Jill.” A white woman with a long blonde ponytail is dressed in a full black dominatrix outfit, only her face, shoulders, and cleavage exposed. She is grinning hugely, and on her chest are the words “Big Oil,” with the “O” formed by a black ring hanging from her collar. From the hips down she is submerged in a sea of black oil, and oil is also dripping from her shoulders and over her outstretched hands.  Dead animals—a fish, duck, and beaver—float on the oil. Behind her is the silhouette of an oil rig.

CAPTION:

Sec. of Science Dominance

Department of Energy Security and Advanced Science

PAGE FOURTEEN

The plain brown back of the Jill Baby Jill trading card. This is the text:

Name: Jill Baby Jill

Qualifications: Owns four SUVs, two jet-skis, and a V8 long-bed truck that runs on diesel and lib tears; believes “climate change” is purely political and therefore doesn’t cause poverty — because how can something cause poverty if it doesn’t exist?!?

Responsibilities: Rescinding all climate polices from foreign aid programs; repealing subsidies for renewable energy developers; stopping tax-payer dollars from combating climate change; eliminating most clean water, air, chemical, pesticide, and nuclear power standards; end programs focusing on climate change science; stop regulating HFCs by ending the AIM act; stopping the technology transition to electric vehicles or green energy sources; updating and reinvigorating the US Nuclear Arsenal; ending nuclear nonproliferation activities; eliminating carbon capture utilization and storage programs; ending gov. focus on climate change and green subsidies, as well as energy efficiency standards for appliances; drilling, mining, and fracking everywhere.

Small Government in Action: Dismantle most of the EPA; eliminate five different alternative energy funding programs; eliminate climate change interference in the DoE; end energy storage and grid-enhancing technology programs; shut down the Clean Energy Corps; eliminate the Office of Emergency Management; end government-made energy decisions and finally let the ENERGY COMPANIES decide what’s best for the energy companies to maximize their profits and shareholder satisfaction! It’s a win-win!

Fun Facts:

Believes the day she was first given a paper straw to be the worst day of her life

If global warming is real, how come it gets cold in winter?

Thinks the People Eater was the best character in FURY ROAD 

Favorite Thing About President Trump: “How he always says his solution to beat inflation is ‘drill baby drill’ and — hey! That sounds like my name!!

PAGE FIFTEEN

The front of a trading card labeled “Rando Calrissian.” The panel is filled with a sea of identical white men in grey suits, red ties, and red MAGA baseball caps, all giving a thumbs up. There is only one different figure: A black man with a thin black moustache standing in the very back row, so that only his head and MAGA cap are visible.  An arrow points to him from the “Rando Calrissian” title.

CAPTION:

Our Black Guy

A smart one. Not one of the ones that aren’t quite so good.

PAGE SIXTEEN

The plain brown back of the Rando Calrissian trading card. This is the text:

Name: Rando Calrissian

Qualifications: Guess.

Responsibilities: Must stand behind DJT 100% at all times. Literally. At like, rallies and photo-ops and stuff. Just physically be back there somewhere.

Small Government in Action: Having freed America from the totalitarian cult known as “The Great Awokening,” we have eliminated all traces and totally unfair disadvantages brought about by Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion policies, practices, education, support, or requirements from: the United States Agency for International Development, the Military, the Pentagon and State Department, universities, the Coast Guard, the intelligence community,  nonprofits, immigration, all Health and Human Services policies, the Department of Education, energy programs, public schools, civil rights laws in government, education, and the private sector; labor policy,Title VII, equal employment policies; the private sector, the family, the Treasury department, the environmental, social, and governance movement, corporations, banks and the marketplace …in fact, from every federal rule, agency regulation, contract, grant, regulation, and piece of legislation, contract, grand tender, and award, well… we don’t exactly know where we’re gonna put him yet.

Fun Facts:

Is cool if you rap along with all the words in hip-hop tracks. I mean, ALL the words.

You know the one.

Doesn’t even get mad if you hit the hard-R sometimes.

Favorite Thing About President Trump: “The way he almost always gets my name right. You can tell he really cares about you.”